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| Saturday morning, 4:51 am, I'm alone in my room.
They say you never realize what you've lost until you lose it, and boy were they right.
In 43 hours and 9 minutes I will be back at Santa Barbara and the life
I know here will be lost yet again as I begin my fifth quarter in a
school I have no desire to be at. I remember leaving for UCSB, being
excited beyond my wildest dreams, only to have them shot down when I
realized that all I want to do for the rest of my life is spend time
with my family.
Why do we have jobs? Why do we go to work? An average of 8 hours a day
for 5 days a week is spent at work. Another 8 hours a day for 7 days a
week is spent sleeping. Let's do the math shall we? 8*5=40 + 8*7=56 Add
that together and we have 96 total hours. Now, 24*7=168. 168-96 = 72
hours. You can spend a total of 72 hours with your loved ones if you
spend every single moment of every waking hour that you aren't at work
with them. That's a maximum of 3 days a week. And since there are 52
weeks in a year 3*52=156 days. 365-156=209, which means we spend 209
days out of the year either asleep or at work, that's 58 percent of our
time. And given we can only spend half of our free time (which is
pretty reasonable in the scheme of things) leaves us only 21 percent of
our free time left to spend with family.
Does no one else find this as odd? That our entire lives are based
around stupid work and stupid sleeping? I mean if we only had to sleep
and didn't work things would get a lot better. But still, SO much of
the time we could be spending with our family is lost to work, play,
and sleep. Oh, and if you're reading this thinking, I don't really give
a ****, I hate my family anyways, then go away for 6 months, and don't
call them, or talk to them, or see them, I bet you a million dollars
you can't do it without breaking down and crying like a little baby.
Trust me.
Whatever though, it's not going to matter, those statistics don't
matter, this school doesn't matter, my life doesn't matter, your life
doesn't matter, this planet doesn't matter, in the end we will all be
dust, just one more block God will add to his lego set, and eventually
get bored of. I try not to be pessimistic, but when I have to go away
for so long and leave the ones I love, what more do I have to be
enthusiastic about? "But Lucas, you get to go to the beach everyday!
But Lucas, there are a million hot girls! But Lucas, you get to stay
out as late as you want! But..." BUT NOTHING. Nothing matters if you're
not happy, and family means more to me now than it ever has in my whole
life. I hate not being here and I HATE Santa Barbara, don't ask me
about school ever again, because I'll give you the same answer every
time. It's crap, thanks for asking.
For all of you still in school or in your final high school years
getting ready to move on to college, savor it, if they make you do the
dishes, do them, if they make you clean your room, do it, and love that
they make you do it, because VERY soon VERY VERY soon you won't hear
that anymore, and you will miss it, you will miss it more than you can
ever imagine. I love my parents, they get on the nerves and they make
me do stuff I don't like to, but they truely love me more than anyone
ever has or ever will.
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| Hey you, yeah you, the one eating the chocolate fudge brownie...
Some people want it all, but I don't want nothing at all, if ain't you baby, if I ain't got you baby. Some people want diamond rings, some just want everything, but everything means nothing, if I ain't got you.
You mean the world to me. | | |
| LOL, how pessimistic was that last entry? Sorry about that, and thanks Allie, and the random eproper = ) | | |
| My chatter box kinda reminds me of my life... useless. Heh. Now I know people care about me, and I know people love me, and I know I have an entire array of friends that feel for me. But sometimes life just comes down like a hammer. Do you ever feel like you're in the middle of a thousand people and all you want to do is be alone. There's no escape. Two weeks ago I had everything, but it felt like nothing. I had my mom, I had my brother... and yes, I even had my dad. Sometimes they can really get on the nerves, but they are genuinely there for me. I don't have to be anyone but myself around them. I don't have to pretend, I don't have to do anything, and they don't tell me what to do. I love them, no matter what happens. I wish my dad would change, but I know he cares about me. When I was there all I could think about was leaving, now all I can think about is going back. I want to transfer, I want to leave, I want to do something with my life. I don't want to feel attached, I don't want to feel guilty. I just want to live. I'm counting the days to Hawaii, I can't wait to escape and sit on the beaches of Poi Pou Kai all alone or slip into a cave and enjoy the perfect darkness. I wish I could live there, all I really want out of life is a surf board and a straw shak. I would love to live on the beach with not a care in the world. Wake up every morning and not worry about how I look or what appointment I'm late for. Just the sand, the palms, the ocean, and me.
I'm not cut out for this life. I think I was a piece of grass in a previous life. That seems far more suitable for me. Look at me, I can't get a relationship right, I can't focus, I can't keep everyone happy, I can't (insert verb here). I think my purpose in life is to repair computers, nothing more. Relationships... wow, if I have any advice for anyone, when you fall in love, kill yourself... that way all the pain comes in one big blow. Trust me on this one. Can't focus... I don't really know what I mean by that, but it's true, and I guess self explanatory. Can't keep everyone happy... let's see, definitely just worry about yourself. I make the mistake of trying to keep the atmosphere somewhat playful, but there is always someone in the group who's having a shitty day or is pissed and I'm asked to calm down. Hey, that's cool, I'll tone it down for you, not a problem. But 15 minutes later, when you're feeling better, don't walk up to me and ask me what's wrong because I'm not "loud"... bitch you just told me to shut up, now you want me to be loud again? Make up your mind.
What do you care. I don't even read my journal. | | |
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